Why do they always frigging BACK UP? WHY WHY WHY?
Don't you love when you hear your cat making that horrible gurgle sound, that "here comes a wonderful new pile o' hot, steamin' vomit" ack-ack-ack-ack noise they make?
You know what's coming, so, you frantically reach to grab to the nearest paper, piece of plastic, dirty towel, empty container... WHATEVER - just something to shove under their chin so maybe you don't have to - - YET ONCE AGAIN - - go get the carpet cleaner and scrub up vomit.
And what do they do when you manage, in the final seconds, to find something to fling on the floor in a last ditch effort? They take a f&*king step or two backwards. Always. Just enough so that 85% of the hairball-juice-soggy-food-bile-spit misses the paper.
I know they do it on purpose. Damn cats.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Fresh Air Makes Food Better
Asparagus on the grill has now become my favorite summer food. It's almost like candy to me. The way my brother cooks it to perfection, lightly coated with olive oil and tossed with salt and sugar... the outside caramelizes on the grill, and the sweet, salty goodness demands that I just pick up each piece by the base and run it in to my mouth like a downed limb through a wood chipper. mmmm.
Combine that with his brilliantly-smoked brisket, corn on the cob, a fresh green salad and a tall, cold mint iced tea with rum, enjoyed amongst friends on the patio, while watching the sun set. How can you top that?
What is it about eating outdoors when the weather is just right? It just makes everything taste better. Soon, it will be too hot and the bugs will be swarming, but right now is perfect.
Care to join me?
Combine that with his brilliantly-smoked brisket, corn on the cob, a fresh green salad and a tall, cold mint iced tea with rum, enjoyed amongst friends on the patio, while watching the sun set. How can you top that?
What is it about eating outdoors when the weather is just right? It just makes everything taste better. Soon, it will be too hot and the bugs will be swarming, but right now is perfect.
Care to join me?
Monday, May 26, 2008
Clog
"The kitchen sink's stopped-up again," she said as she appeared around the corner.
He looked exasperated, and not at all pleased that he would obviously soon be abandoning his scotch and smoke for knuckle scraping and wet dish towels. "Whu... who... Well, how the hell did that happen? Did someone put something down the disposal?"
"Just a few baked beans from the edge of a plate," she said sheepishly.
"SUNNUVABITCH!" he exhaled loudly and angrily, and strained to get out of his comfy chair.
"Well why the hell do we have a disposal then?!?" she exclaimed, and muttered under her breath as she followed him back to the kitchen..."asshole."
After they rounded the corner, Carlos and I looked at each other and tried hard not to laugh too loudly. "Sounds like our house," he said.
I continued giggling, "mmm-hmmm. Only I'd be the one going in to fix the sink."
"Ouch!" he said. "I think my dick just shrank an inch."
I giggled and patted his knee. "Yup."
"Asshole" he grinned at me.
"I love you too, asshole" I grinned back.
He looked exasperated, and not at all pleased that he would obviously soon be abandoning his scotch and smoke for knuckle scraping and wet dish towels. "Whu... who... Well, how the hell did that happen? Did someone put something down the disposal?"
"Just a few baked beans from the edge of a plate," she said sheepishly.
"SUNNUVABITCH!" he exhaled loudly and angrily, and strained to get out of his comfy chair.
"Well why the hell do we have a disposal then?!?" she exclaimed, and muttered under her breath as she followed him back to the kitchen..."asshole."
After they rounded the corner, Carlos and I looked at each other and tried hard not to laugh too loudly. "Sounds like our house," he said.
I continued giggling, "mmm-hmmm. Only I'd be the one going in to fix the sink."
"Ouch!" he said. "I think my dick just shrank an inch."
I giggled and patted his knee. "Yup."
"Asshole" he grinned at me.
"I love you too, asshole" I grinned back.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Divorce
"Well, you were right."
"Right? About what?" I queried.
"You were right. I told her this weekend, and you were right about how she'd react."
"Oh... Dude. She totally wigged on you? I mean, it's not like this hasn't been coming for a long time."
"Yeah," he sighed. "She told me to get out of the house right now. I told her to just calm down... we still need to talk to the kids about it. So, she said 'Fine. We can tell them tomorrow and you can be out of the house after that.'"
"Wow. Sorry. You know it's only going to get worse from here. I told you last week all the horrible shit I've seen happen to other friends who have gone through a divorce. I don't know what it is, but 9 times out of 10, the dumpee does a complete train wreck and tries to put the dump-ER through living hell, emotionally, physically, financially... you name it. And then..."
I trailed off because I didn't want to overload him with negativity. I wished I could offer him some words like "things are going to be fine" or "she'll realize that this is really the best for both of you" or "this has been a long time coming; your two kids are old enough that they might not be too surprised". But I knew what he was in for. I've seen it too many times. Women are crazy, and vindictive. I should know, being one of them... even though I don't consider myself to be either of those things. I've just seen too many other women who would just as soon rip a man's nuts off and choke him to death with them than be civil during a divorce.
He's in for a rough ride.
"Right? About what?" I queried.
"You were right. I told her this weekend, and you were right about how she'd react."
"Oh... Dude. She totally wigged on you? I mean, it's not like this hasn't been coming for a long time."
"Yeah," he sighed. "She told me to get out of the house right now. I told her to just calm down... we still need to talk to the kids about it. So, she said 'Fine. We can tell them tomorrow and you can be out of the house after that.'"
"Wow. Sorry. You know it's only going to get worse from here. I told you last week all the horrible shit I've seen happen to other friends who have gone through a divorce. I don't know what it is, but 9 times out of 10, the dumpee does a complete train wreck and tries to put the dump-ER through living hell, emotionally, physically, financially... you name it. And then..."
I trailed off because I didn't want to overload him with negativity. I wished I could offer him some words like "things are going to be fine" or "she'll realize that this is really the best for both of you" or "this has been a long time coming; your two kids are old enough that they might not be too surprised". But I knew what he was in for. I've seen it too many times. Women are crazy, and vindictive. I should know, being one of them... even though I don't consider myself to be either of those things. I've just seen too many other women who would just as soon rip a man's nuts off and choke him to death with them than be civil during a divorce.
He's in for a rough ride.
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